How I choose: I start with about 300 tweets that I’ve retweeted (I retweet what makes me laugh out loud, what I think is clever or what makes me nod my head, “Yes!”). I narrow that list down to about 40 and give it to Steve (my husband), he narrows it down some more and I pick the 10 funniest from those. It’s really hard to pick only 10, like it’s emotionally painful to cut some. I mean, I don’t cry or anything, but I get a little verklempt. I only choose tweets tweeted during the month of December from people I follow and only one tweet chosen per person. I also include one of my own, so I can say I’ve been on a list someplace with totally hilarious people.
If you’re on Twitter, show them you like their tweets by clicking on their retweet or star button, or by following them. They are FUNNY!
Did anyone ever figure out what it was that made that guy Mickey so fine? I gotta get me some of that.
— Tom the Wicked (@TomTheWicked) December 4, 2013
Toe stubble. Because aging isn’t sexy enough already.
— Ms. Not Quite (@perhapssomeday) December 5, 2013
“You can attach any famous person’s name to a quote and people on Facebook will believe they actually said it.” -Abraham Lincoln
— Awesome Todd (@Awesome_Todd) December 6, 2013
I just sneezed while pooping and threw my back out and blew my butthole open. Not gonna call for help, I’d rather die.
— Christofury (@BadGrahammar) December 6, 2013
I just had to play. “Rock or piece of poop” with something on the floor of my son’s room. How’s your night?
— Bizarro Mark (@Bizarro_Mark) December 7, 2013
Friendship is like peeing your pants-everyone can see it but only you can feel the warmth….
— david roaix (@davromega) December 10, 2013
pro tip: if you cry during your presentation, nobody asks follow up questions and the conversation shifts to “but you’re beautiful.”
— Captain McGee (@captainolya) December 12, 2013
Screw it. I’m just putting the mistletoe over my refrigerator.
— Abby Heugel (@AbbyHasIssues) December 14, 2013
It was touch and go there for a second. I wasn’t sure if I’d get the entire chocolate-covered spatula in my mouth, but I made it happen.
— AnotherBottleofWhine (@KateWhineHall) December 17, 2013
Unlike what some jokers would have you believe, a Breathe Right strip over your butthole doesn’t help with constipation.
— Grant Tanaka (@GrantTanaka) December 18, 2013
if I was Luke Skywalker I would have put Yoda in a baby bjorn
— huntigula (@huntigula) December 29, 2013
All of these tweets made me laugh. How about you? Tell me in the comments.
Update: Tweets no longer in a Twitter block may mean the account was deleted or made private.
Here are links to previous month’s Top 10 Funniest Tweets: