Every month I pick the top 10 funniest tweets I’ve read and share them here on my blog. I thought it’d be fun to review all my lists and pick the 25 funniest of 2014. Then I snuck one of my own in to make it 26. Laugh and enjoy!
I'm sensitive to gluten, dairy, peanuts. I also bruise easily and can't stay out in the sun for long. Other than that I'm a total badass
— superman (@MrSandeepP) January 7, 2014
I didn't plan on an evening of marshmallows, beer & Dukes of Hazzard reruns but sometimes you just gotta let great things happen.
— Andy H. (@AndyAsAdjective) January 14, 2014
I don't always eat corn, but when I do I always whisper softly to it 'see you again tomorrow.'
— Busted Flip Flops (@GrillinChillin9) February 8, 2014
Wife and I are fighting but we prefer a passive aggressive approach. Anyways, brb, I've gotta go apply her chapstick to my nipples.
— Dad in Utah (@DadInUtah) February 22, 2014
After all this time you'd think there'd be more than one Preparation H flavor.
— John O'Connor (@johntoconnor) March 6, 2014
The screams my kids made when my wife left the house for her "girls weekend" were no comparison to mine.
— Brian Hope (@Brianhopecomedy) May 2, 2014
Missed Connection: My briefcase opened up while crossing the street and I stopped traffic to pick up my horsey sauce packets. You honked.
— Paul (@YesNoSuper) May 8, 2014
Accidentally drank an Ensure this morning & now I've driven 8 miles with my blinker on, the waist of my pants is at my chest & what's email?
— Tony (@Tmoney68) May 16, 2014
I just dropped my toothbrush behind the toilet but it's ok, I found a red Jolly Rancher back there.
— Alcoholic Keverage (@adult_keverage) May 20, 2014
*hears daughter singing like an angel in bed* *turns up the television*
— Root Beer (@MrNickJC) May 24, 2014
My grandpa killed 42 Japanese soldiers at the Battle of Guadalcanal, and I just cried for 20 minutes because I took a poo that was too sharp
— Hazel Goats (@hazelmotes1) June 17, 2014
My daughter is going to Nicaragua to build cinderblock houses for poor people. I just whined that my drink from the Tiki Bar was too weak.
— Housewife of Hell (@HousewifeOfHell) July 6, 2014
My husband used VO-5 shampoo on the dog and now her fur is teased and she's wearing a jordache jean vest.
— am. (@notbedelia) July 8, 2014
I share an office thermostat with a middle aged woman. I'm in a t-shirt while she's rubbing 2 pencils together trying to start a trash fire
— Woody (@WoodyLuvsCoffee) July 15, 2014
This margarita tastes like I don't even have kids.
— Kate Hall (@KateWhineHall) August 1, 2014
Thanks for bringing that quinoa salad to the office potluck. Everyone hates you.
— Bizarro Mark (@Bizarro_Mark) August 11, 2014
I never feel more alive than when I finish pooping at the same time as the cat & we tear through the house together like maniacs.
— The Cat Whisperer (@cat_whisperer_) August 11, 2014
My wife just said I wonder if we could make gluten free mozzarella sticks and our marriage certificate literally burst into flames.
— Kalvin (@KalvinMacleod) August 24, 2014
I am most like the Kool-Aid Man when I am in the middle of a corn maze and my kid says she needs to use the bathroom.
— Ponies and Martinis (@PonyMartini) September 28, 2014
*holds flashlight under chin "We're out of wine." Kids scream in terror. Husband arms himself to protect family.
— Linda in Disguise (@LindaInDisguise) October 1, 2014
Tried drowning a spider with a Mich Ultra and now it's dancing around my house listening to Dave Matthews Band and crying about its divorce.
— PaperWash© (@PaperWash) October 4, 2014
I've got two tickets to paradise. Actually, I've only got one ticket. And it's not to paradise. Ok, I've got a coupon for a free frogurt.
— Jake Vig (@Jake_Vig) November 15, 2014
19 degrees outside – yet I have to turn on the ceiling fan to keep from spontaneously combusting in this Saharan sauna my parents call home.
— Steve Olivas (@steveolivas) November 21, 2014
A grandfather clock is just like a regular clock except it wears sandals even though it has disgusting toe nails.
— Steve Suckington (@SteveSuckington) December 14, 2014
MY TOP 10 MOMENTS OF 2014 1) 2) 3) 4) 5) 6) 7) ex girlfriend in BMW waved at me as I walked home from Target carrying toilet brush 8) 9 10
— Matt Oswalt (@Puddinstrip) December 14, 2014
I wish someone would make liners for your pockets but made out of thermos material because this pulled pork is already cold.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) December 18, 2014
To read my monthly Top 10 Funniest Tweets lists, click HERE.
Want to read some of the funniest tweets about parenting? Check out The Big Book of Parenting Tweets, available on Amazon.