Every month I pick the top 10 funniest tweets I’ve read and share them here on my blog. I thought it’d be fun to review all my lists and pick the 25 funniest tweets of 2015. Then I snuck one of my own in to make it 26. Laugh and enjoy!
I'm both pleasantly and unpleasantly surprised by the warmness of this toilet seat.
— Goats? (@hazelmotes1) January 2, 2015
My husband brought home one happy meal for two kids. Frankly things would have been less dramatic if he'd brought home a girlfriend.
— full metal mommy (@FullMetalMommy) February 16, 2015
I don't watch The Walking Dead, so I've set up my own water cooler at work where I stand alone and talk quietly about Murder, She Wrote.
— Harry Ramble (@HarryRamble) February 23, 2015
Indoor water parks are like the wet version of Walmart.
— Kate Hall (@KateWhineHall) March 7, 2015
Rarely as excited as when I remember I've got a sandwich in my purse.
— Deborah Puette (@DeborahPuette) March 8, 2015
Police Officer: TURN AROUND! THIEF: *sings* Every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you're never coming round…
— Jake Vig (@Jake_Vig) March 22, 2015
DIET TIP: If you eat a tub of hummus like it's a bowl of applesauce, you will poop an entire sandcastle complete with moat. I know that now.
— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) March 25, 2015
Imagine being in Jethro Tull & the other guys say we aren't gonna do flute in this one and you just have to sit there with your stupid flute
— johnny crappleseed (@Karate_Horse) May 18, 2015
You know you're tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it's easier to get up or just live there now
— Justin Guarini (@JustinGuarini) June 9, 2015
Takes off shoes at Russian airport security to reveal tinier shoes inside even tinier shoes.
— Woody (@WoodyLuvsCoffee) June 10, 2015
Accidentally put on a t-shirt with a wolf in a bitchin' wilderness scene and now I'm at a renaissance festival eating a turkey leg.
— Babies Daddy (@dshack8) June 11, 2015
Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…
— Boyd's Backyard (@TheBoydP) June 25, 2015
A breakfast buffet at my funeral so people will be happy. But with soy bacon and chia seed pancakes so they know it's a time to grieve.
— Creed (@novicefather) July 7, 2015
wife: whatcha thinking about? me: [mentally ranking each of the tinkerbell fairies in order of hotness] sports
— Andy H. (@AndyAsAdjective) July 13, 2015
My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.
— Kevin Sussman (@KevinSussman) July 21, 2015
*ring* Her: Hello. 911 Me: I went poop and water splashed back up on me Her: Sir- Me: PLEASE HELP Her: Let me finish. Units are en route
— Zack (@Mr_Kapowski) July 24, 2015
[in the hardware store] Me: Don't let him know you don't know what you're doing Clerk: Can I help you? Me: I'll take one hardware, please
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July 26, 2015
It's that pottery scene from Ghost except it's me standing behind the Subway sandwich artist helping him make my sandwich.
— Cat Friendship Club (@iLikeCatShirts) August 5, 2015
WIFE: I love the oaky, earthen taste of this wine. FRIEND: Mine is both crisp and full-bodied. ME: [corks on my teeth] I am Count Corkula.
— Kalvin (@KalvinMacleod) August 18, 2015
WAITER: Room for dessert? [flashback to the room at home that hides all my desserts] ME: [nervous laugh] Haha I don't have one of those.
— Saucy farm girl (@Book_Krazy) September 2, 2015
idea for haunted house: dimly lit grocery store sprinkled with people you haven't talked to since high school
— PapeяWash© (@PaperWash) September 5, 2015
Beginning to regret buying that memory foam mattress. It keeps bringing up that time I wet my pants in 2nd grade.
— Margot (@notmargot663) September 17, 2015
I didn't realize how parenting had changed me until I was walking by my 7yo with an ice cream sandwich down my pants so he wouldn't see it
— Sarah (est. 1975) (@est1975blog) September 20, 2015
I don't want to alarm anyone but I've purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there'll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11. NO WEIRDOS
— CandyWhore (@CruisinSoozan) October 19, 2015
You know the person in exercise videos that's doing the easy version of everything? I'm the guy behind that person eating chips.
— Rodney Lacroix (@moooooog35) November 9, 2015
My secret holiday apple pie recipe: 1: forget to buy apples 2: storm around yelling about hot-wheels on floor 3: slam box of Gogurt on table
— Lurk @ Home Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) November 18, 2015
To read my monthly Top 10 Funniest Tweets lists, click HERE.
Want to read some of the funniest tweets about parenting from a bunch of the funniest parents on Twitter? Check out The Bigger Book of Parenting Tweets, available on Amazon. Or the original, The Big Book of Parenting Tweets.