Every month I pick the top 10 funniest tweets and share them here on my blog. I thought it’d be fun to review all my lists and pick the 25 funniest tweets of 2016. Enjoy!
New relationship: You should leave now. I have to use the powder room.
Marriage: Hey, could you bring me up a burrito? I'm on the toilet.
— Just Linda (@LindaInDisguise) January 23, 2016
[At historic site]
Me: What's the wifi password?
G: I meant about 19th century life.
M: Oh….Dost thou have thy password?
— Housewife of Hell (@HousewifeOfHell) February 4, 2016
If you say "Pumpkin Spice" 3 times in the mirror, the ghost of a white girl will appear and ask if your soul is locally sourced.
— Nacho Khan (@allthenachos) October 24, 2016
2 is having milk in a bowl for breakfast bc she wants to be a kitty and I'm ok with having a low maintenance pet in place of a toddler
— Sweatpants Cher (@House_Feminist) September 24, 2016
If you watch "My Cousin Vinny" 12 times in a calendar year, you receive a law degree from the University of Phoenix.
— Gian D'Oh (@GianDoh) January 23, 2016
I haven't tried heroin, but I imagine the rush is like remembering I have pie in the fridge.
— Amy Dillon (@amydillon) January 12, 2016
Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting "Mean Girls."
— Tony (@Tmoney68) March 17, 2016
date: and then after traveling to Iceland I decided to get my MBA
me: I went to Arby's 7 times yesterday
— paperwash© (@PaperWash) November 21, 2016
*Opens dryer, beer koozie falls out
There you are buddy. I've been looking everywhere for you. Don't do that to me.
*Closes full dryer
— BornHusky (@dlockw21) March 12, 2016
I'm on the snake diet. It's the one where you lie on the floor all day, eat 25% of your body weight, and hiss at anyone who comes near you.
— Ashley Austrew (@ashleyaustrew) March 9, 2016
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
"What the hell am I supposed to do with this…"
— SuperRandomish📎 (@SuperRandomish) March 7, 2016
hey kids, I know mom is gone, but I found something in the pantry for dinner, get ready for a fancy feast
— Grant Tanaka (@GrantTanaka) April 18, 2016
I don't want to jump to conclusions but you look like you have a porch couch.
— Bar$tar (@elynnbarlow) April 11, 2016
I have learned more from watching YouTube videos on the toilet than 4 years of going to college.
— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) July 27, 2016
My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff
— Happy Chillmore 🍺 (@Cravin4) July 6, 2016
*shoots a confetti popper filled with toothpaste and facial hair all over the sink and mirror*
— Mommy Cusses (@mommy_cusses) May 18, 2016
"Why doesn't my son play with the other kids?" I ask myself as I stand alone, warily watching the other parents at the park from a distance.
— MyMomologue (@MyMomologue) May 16, 2016
Can't believe there are so many songs about love and only one where someone welcomes someone else to a jungle.
— Kashana (@kashanacauley) May 11, 2016
Mother's Day is a special day when I get to do the dishes and yell at people to stop making siren noises while I wear a macaroni necklace.
— Walking Outside (@WalkingOutside) May 8, 2016
Them: I can't complain!
Me: Have you tried? It's literally the easiest thing to do.
— Abby Heugel (@AbbyHasIssues) June 24, 2016
I almost just choked on a kale chip and all I could think was that this never happens with Cinnabons.
— The Cultured Ruffian (@CulturedRuffian) June 22, 2016
In hell your Mom adds you to a new group text everyday.
— The St. Louisan (@thestlouisan) June 20, 2016
THERAPIST: what's your happiest memory
ME: i once thought my can of diet coke was empty but then i lifted it and it was still like half full
— Mel (@MelKassel) June 9, 2016
My WCW, as it is every week, is the entire cast of the Golden Girls.
— Father Drinks McGee (@drinksmcgee) August 17, 2016
Sees kids selling popcorn in front of grocery store.
Drives three miles to a different grocery store.
— Kate Hall (@KateWhineHall) October 8, 2016
All of these tweets made me laugh, how about you?
To read my monthly Top 10 Funniest Tweets lists, click HERE.
Want to read some of the funniest tweets about parenting from a bunch of the funniest parents on Twitter? Check out The Bigger Book of Parenting Tweets, available on Amazon. Or the original, The Big Book of Parenting Tweets.