Check out the top 15 funniest tweets of April! I gathered all the tweets I retweeted this month and with the help of my friend Jennifer (@yenniwhite), we narrowed the list down to the 15 funniest. Then we included one of each of our own to make it 17 because… narcissists. Check it out!
Old lady telling me to enjoy every minute: you were allowed to send your kids outside and not see or hear them again until dark. Shut up.
— MamaFizzles (@MamaFizzles) April 4, 2017
[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?
— PunchyK (@AnkCoupleTO) April 5, 2017
Marriage is, texting your spouse from the toilet to let them know that they need to check on the chicken wings you're reheating in the oven.
— MotherPlaylist (@MotherPlaylist) April 8, 2017
you just ate a crayon, how can you still be hungry
— Lurkin' Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) April 16, 2017
Your Star Wars fanfic name is the first street you got your nerd ass pummeled on plus your most recent public humiliation. I'm Maple Wedgie.
— Natty Lumpo (@nattylumpo88) April 17, 2017
I'm sick and tired of being so fat!
*skips 4th donut*
— AmishPornStar™ (@AmishPornStar1) April 19, 2017
[House Hunters episode]
HUSBAND: I'm a freelance hamster trainer
WIFE: And I tune harmonicas part-time
HUSBAND: Our budget is $950K
— Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) April 19, 2017
Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well.
Day 2: I am out of food.
— keith (@tchrquotes) April 20, 2017
Husband:"What do you do while I'm sleeping?"
*flashes to lip-syncing Spice Girl songs, inhaling chips, weeping in shower*
— Stephanie Ortiz (@Six_Pack_Mom) April 20, 2017
me[holding wife's shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife:What does it say on the tag?
wife:The other tag
me:Made in Vietnam
— Josh (@iwearaonesie) April 20, 2017
Parenting is a series of ambiguous decisions you have to make nonstop, but don't worry, the only thing you risk is scarring a child for life
— Tragic Ally (@TragicAllyHere) April 24, 2017
"Mothers should be celebrated on birthdays instead of their kids; you didn't do anything"
-My Mom, at my birthday dinner
— liVsy (@liv_thatsme) April 23, 2017
I hope our next house has a walk-in junk drawer.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) April 24, 2017
*Goes to zoo to see the world's oldest tortoise.
Guide: He's over 200 years old. How cool is that?
*Tortoise says something racist.
— Woody (@WoodyLuvsCoffee) April 25, 2017
Day 1: [puts thing down] "I'll take care of this tomorrow."
Day 286: [walks by thing again.]
— Kate Hall (@KateWhineHall) April 26, 2017
MAYOR: any questions?
*hands go up*
M: again…not gonna install Michael Jackson/Billie Jean light up sidewalks
*hands go down*
— Andy H. (@AndyAsAdjective) April 27, 2017
Moms: I just packed 3 days worth of supplies for the entire family into a diaperbag.
Dads: I forgot my wallet.
— Jennifer S. White (@yenniwhite) April 28, 2017
All of these tweets made me laugh. How about you?
Links to previous Funniest Tweets lists:
Want to read some of the funniest tweets about parenting from some of the funniest parents on Twitter? Check out The Bigger Book of Parenting Tweets, available on Amazon. Or the original, The Big Book of Parenting Tweets.