Check out the top 15 funniest tweets of May! I gathered all the tweets I retweeted this month and with the help of my friend Ellen (@HousewifeOfHell), we narrowed the list down to the 15 funniest. Then we included one of each of our own to make it 17 because… narcissists. Check it out!
Any idea when you're moving out?
~me, to my 14yo
— 🎭ᑌᖇᔕᑌᒪᗩ(s)🎭 (@3sunzzz) May 1, 2017
Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac 'n' cheese
— Mommy Cusses (@mommy_cusses) May 2, 2017
i'm staunchly anti-war and anti-capitalism until the second a t-shirt cannon comes out
— garth (@garbagecoven) May 2, 2017
wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair
— Josh (@iwearaonesie) May 4, 2017
[looking at my intestines on the bathroom floor]
CW: Maybe four days in a row of Chipotle for lunch was a bit much…
— Gruffy Beard (@gruffybeard) May 4, 2017
Everybody makes fun of the fanny pack until they're desperate and asking me to hold their stuff. But that's the moment I really shine.
— Kate Hall (@KateWhineHall) May 5, 2017
That thing we all know, but never talk about. Like Nena's armpit hair in the "99 Luftballoons" video
— Jeff Newton (@yonewt) May 6, 2017
Sooo romantic. He said I'm a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.
— Housewife of Hell (@HousewifeOfHell) May 8, 2017
I ate roughly two pieces of lasagna. The third piece I ate rather gently.
— Abby Heugel (@AbbyHasIssues) May 10, 2017
The you on Facebook vs. The you on Twitter. pic.twitter.com/RFK3O39W1q
— The Cultured Ruffian (@CulturedRuffian) May 20, 2017
Being a mom sometimes means that you need to hold Darth Maul's double-bladed lightsaber while he goes to poop.
— O' live (@offbeatoliv) May 17, 2017
At 36, I still have no idea what to do with my hands when I'm in front of a group of people.
*hands on hips*
*hands in air*
— Aimee Helene (@AimeeHelene1) May 20, 2017
Teen daughter: All the One Direction guys are making solo albums.
Me: They should be called Different Directions.
Teen daughter: just stop
— Lance Burson (@lanceburson) May 20, 2017
WHAT I LOOK FOR IN A WOMAN
– Wears skirts & knee-high socks
– Solves mysteries
– Velma, basically I want Velma
— Steve Dutzy (@SteveDutzy) May 20, 2017
Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?
— Sara Says Stop (@PetrickSara) May 23, 2017
Me: I do f-ing everything around here! I'm sick of it!
Family: *tries to help*
Me: That's not…what are you…no…wrong…LET ME DO IT
— Ashley Austrew (@ashleyaustrew) May 26, 2017
My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, "Too many. You're wasting them!"
— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) May 28, 2017
All of these tweets made me laugh. How about you?
Links to previous Funniest Tweets lists:
Want to read some of the funniest tweets about parenting from some of the funniest parents on Twitter? Check out The Bigger Book of Parenting Tweets, available on Amazon. Or the original, The Big Book of Parenting Tweets.