Check out the top 15 funniest tweets of June! I gathered all the tweets I retweeted this month and with the help of my friend Rob (@FatherWithTwins), we narrowed the list down to the 15 funniest. Then we included one of each of our own to make it 17 because… narcissists. Check it out!
WIFE: how does this house get so dirty so fast?
ME: *rollerblading through the kitchen while eating some nachos* kids are gross
— Kalvin (@KalvinMacleod) June 1, 2017
Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
— Dumb Beezie (@dumbbeezie) June 1, 2017
Me: *Friday night* I'm so glad it's the weekend. Maybe I can finally get some rest.
2yo: *Saturday at 6am* *screeches like a velociraptor*
— MyMomologue (@MyMomologue) June 3, 2017
Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
— HowToBeADad (@HowToBeADad) June 4, 2017
NEWLYWED FRIEND: i just love him so much, i always want to be around him!
ME: you haven't heard him eat cereal yet, have you
— Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) June 6, 2017
I'm comfortable with my body, but not "topless electric-toothbrushing in the Y locker room" comfortable.
— Amy Dillon (@amydillon) June 6, 2017
Once you've learned to bribe kids, the second half of your life begins.
— Housewife of Hell (@HousewifeOfHell) June 6, 2017
Ugh it's so hot!
*gets hit by two drops of pool water*
SPLASH ME AGAIN AND I'LL DONATE ALL YOUR TOYS.
— Salty Mermaid (@Jenn_H_Scott) June 7, 2017
DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.
— Woody (@WoodyLuvsCoffee) June 11, 2017
[2nd day of diet]
"I'm just going to find one of those guys who likes chubby chicks"
— Amanda Hugnkiss (@caliluvgirl77) June 11, 2017
7yo: I got duck poop on my hand
Me: Ok, don't touch anything until we get home
*looks in back seat
7yo: *already eating crackers
— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) June 11, 2017
Cool thing about the fanny pack is if you're in bed, you don't need to get up for a snack bc you're just 1 zip away from a Hostess Cupcake.
— Kate Hall (@KateWhineHall) June 13, 2017
ME: Hi mirror
BEDROOM MIRROR: Hello you flawless hunk
ME: Hi mirror
BATHROOM MIRROR: well if it isn't the hideous troll of Blemishville
— Mark Magark (@markedly) June 15, 2017
ME AT 19: I'm gonna travel to so many countries!
ME AT 29: I'm gonna try a new craft beer!
ME AT 39: I'm gonna try a different cat litter
— Andy H. (@AndyAsAdjective) June 20, 2017
“First of all, I want to say it’s a real honor to have been asked to give a Ted Talk.” pic.twitter.com/pymyx9UHjT
— Just Bill ❄ (@WilliamAder) June 25, 2017
Writing a horror screenplay. It starts off with a ringing phone. The person answers, and it's their mom saying "I have a computer question."
— Rodney Lacroix (@moooooog35) June 26, 2017
2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
— TheBabyLady (@thebabylady7) June 29, 2017
All of these tweets made me laugh. How about you?
Links to previous Funniest Tweets lists:
Want to read some of the funniest tweets about parenting from some of the funniest parents on Twitter? Check out The Bigger Book of Parenting Tweets, available on Amazon. Or the original, The Big Book of Parenting Tweets.