Check out the top 15 funniest tweets of July! I gathered all the tweets I retweeted this month and with the help of my friend Erica (@EricaWhoToYou), we narrowed the list down to the 15 funniest. Then we included one of each of our own to make it 17 because… narcissists. Check it out!
Wife: FINALLY A WEEKEND GETAWAY FOR JUST THE TWO OF US!
Also my wife: Are you going to breathe like that for the entire trip?
— Rodney Lacroix (@moooooog35) July 1, 2017
Let's just call a kiddie pool what it really is. A toilet. It's a TOILET.
— Mattzilla™ (@mattZillaaaa) July 3, 2017
I used to think it would be fun to be a contestant on Chopped, then I birthed my own mini judges who criticize and reject everything I cook.
— MamaFizzles (@MamaFizzles) July 3, 2017
The kids who have a lemonade stand on my block never have change for a hundred. So I knock their pitcher over.
— Jake Vig (@Jake_Vig) July 8, 2017
CASHIER: *searching a list of produce codes for my item*
ME: *trying to be helpful* ..they're lemons.
— Little Greenis (@DurtMcHurtt) July 10, 2017
Kid: *shaking me awake* Mom can I have a cookie?
Me: I WAS NAPPING
Kid: Fine, I'll just go ask dad, he's in the kitchen anyway.
— TheBabyLady (@thebabylady7) July 10, 2017
[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
"but i don't want my stuff stolen"
*covers it with towel*
"ok now it's safe"
— The Hype (@TheHyyyype) July 11, 2017
Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.
[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]
— Floyd (@dafloydsta) July 13, 2017
When can we stop and eat?
-me, 10 minutes into an eight-hour road trip
— Kate Hall (@KateWhineHall) July 13, 2017
Some kid at the pool: wanna see me do something cool?
Me: I don't even want to see my own kid do something cool
— DaddyJew (@DaddyJew) July 13, 2017
Southwest Boarding Procedure: Line up in your group;
Surreptitiously scan your neighbors' boarding passes while subtly displaying your own.
— Jeff Newton (@yonewt) July 13, 2017
Feeding your toddler is like doing an oil change on your own car.
It's messy and I would rather pay someone else $19.95 to do it.
— A Bearer Of Dad News (@HomeWithPeanut) July 17, 2017
Everyone's all, "OJ this and OJ that," and all I want to know is what Kato's been up to.
— EricaTriesToTweet (@EricaWhoToYou) July 20, 2017
I unwrap sticks of butter right in the store and eat them like bananas
— Böb El Diablo Jänke (@Bob_Janke) July 23, 2017
I like my women like I like my coffee: Untouched and forgotten, growing cold, alone in the kitchen.
— Distracted Dad (@Distracted_Dad) July 26, 2017
I can't believe Lobsterfest is already here. It'll be Toyotathon before you know it.
— Covfefe Rock🇺🇸 (@TheMichaelRock) July 26, 2017
Me: "…and THAT is probably the most important lesson I've ever learned."
Son:[w/Fidget Spinner, watching YouTube & bottle flipping]"Huh?"
— Bmad (@1_swarthy_dude) July 28, 2017
All of these tweets made me laugh. How about you?
Links to previous Funniest Tweets lists:
Want to read some of the funniest tweets about parenting from some of the funniest parents on Twitter? Check out The Bigger Book of Parenting Tweets, available on Amazon. Or the original, The Big Book of Parenting Tweets.