Check out the top 15 funniest tweets of August! I gathered all the tweets I retweeted this month and narrowed the list down to the 15 funniest. Then I included one of my own to make it 16 because…narcissist. Check it out!
I just wanna be rich enough to throw leftovers away after dinner instead of putting them in Tupperware and throwing them away a week later.
— AmishPornStar™ (@AmishPornStar1) August 10, 2017
Letting kids pack for a trip is a great way for them to learn what it's like to wear one shoe and a bucket of Legos for a week.
— Amy Dillon (@amydillon) August 20, 2017
That Shawshank scene where Andy Dufresne finally reaches freedom, but it's me exiting a kid birthday party.
— Kate Hall (@KateWhineHall) August 3, 2017
Here's a new idea, maybe don't love a person for their body. Love them for their money or their excellent WiFi.
— she's unfiltered (@MommaUnfiltered) August 4, 2017
[during a plane crash]
Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!
— Mattzilla™🎃 (@mattZillaaaa) August 5, 2017
ME: Why the Spanish closed captioning?
MY STUBBORN DAD: Accident. I'll fix it myself.
*6 months later
M: Hi dad
D: Bienvenido a casa, hijo
— Woody (@WoodyLuvsCoffee) August 5, 2017
Age 10: I'm going to be a rockstar
Age 20: I might learn an instrument someday
Age 30: I hope a piano lands on me
— Noodles (@Dawn_M_) August 9, 2017
We’d have an RV by now if we could just decide “howling wolf or wild mustang?” for the window decal.
— Annie Hatfield (@HatfieldAnne) August 9, 2017
gives you bad news, but with peter frampton's mouth-tube-talking-guitar thing
— Her Tall Boots (@fuzzlime) August 10, 2017
"Thought a raven would be a cool pet. Constant rapping on chamber door; messy. 2/10. Nevermore." – Edgar Allen Poe Yelp review.
— You know (@Tmoney68) August 14, 2017
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it's fun to not be able to open that drawer.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) August 15, 2017
“WILL THIS DAY NEVER END?”
– Me, at 7:37 am
— Ramblin' Mama (@ramblinma) August 20, 2017
Preschool form: When you need your child's attention, s/he responds well to:
Me: No idea. Can you lemme know if you stumble onto something?
— Toni Hammer (@realtonihammer) August 23, 2017
AC/DC: Who's ready to be Thunderstruck?
ME: [from front row] IT'S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!
— FᎪᎢ ᏩᎪNᎠᎪᏞF (@sofarrsogud) August 24, 2017
Welcome back students! Look to your left, look to your right. These are the people you'll be avoiding on Facebook for the next 20 years.
— Abby Heugel (@AbbyHasIssues) August 28, 2017
5: I don't like it. It's too spicy.
Me: IT'S A PANCAKE
— Lurkin' Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) August 29, 2017
All of these tweets made me laugh. How about you?
Links to previous Funniest Tweets lists:
Want to read some of the BEST tweets about parenting from some of the funniest parents on Twitter? Check out The Bigger Book of Parenting Tweets, available on Amazon. Or the original, The Big Book of Parenting Tweets.