Every month I pick the top 15 funniest tweets and share them here on my blog. I thought it’d be fun to review all my lists and pick the 30 funniest tweets of 2017 (plus one of mine). Enjoy!
Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?
Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?
Me: No, I have not seen it.
— El Knuckelhombre (@ElKnuckelhombre) January 25, 2017
I'm just glad the "Sweden Incident" no longer refers to the time I ate 37 meatballs and got diarrhea in the middle of an IKEA.
— Tinker Elle (@elle91) February 19, 2017
Merkel: Why is a Handbag Designer at this Meeting? pic.twitter.com/ty2dIRcTSC
— Fiona Adorno🌈 (@FionaAdorno) March 17, 2017
I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
— Ash (@adult_mom) March 19, 2017
[House Hunters episode]
HUSBAND: I'm a freelance hamster trainer
WIFE: And I tune harmonicas part-time
HUSBAND: Our budget is $950K
— Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) April 19, 2017
Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well.
Day 2: I am out of food.
— keith (@tchrquotes) April 20, 2017
Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac 'n' cheese
— Mommy Christmases (@mommy_cusses) May 2, 2017
Everybody makes fun of the fanny pack until they're desperate and asking me to hold their stuff. But that's the moment I really shine.
— Kate Hall (@KateWhineHall) May 5, 2017
That thing we all know, but never talk about. Like Nena's armpit hair in the "99 Luftballoons" video
— Jeff Newton (@yonewt) May 6, 2017
Being a mom sometimes means that you need to hold Darth Maul's double-bladed lightsaber while he goes to poop.
— Olive Gravy (@offbeatoliv) May 17, 2017
Me: I do f-ing everything around here! I'm sick of it!
Family: *tries to help*
Me: That's not…what are you…no…wrong…LET ME DO IT
— Ashley Austrew (@ashleyaustrew) May 26, 2017
My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, "Too many. You're wasting them!"
— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) May 28, 2017
Ugh it's so hot!
*gets hit by two drops of pool water*
SPLASH ME AGAIN AND I'LL DONATE ALL YOUR TOYS.
— Salty Mermaid (@Jenn_H_Scott) June 7, 2017
ME: Hi mirror
BEDROOM MIRROR: Hello you flawless hunk
ME: Hi mirror
BATHROOM MIRROR: well if it isn't the hideous troll of Blemishville
— Mark Magark (@markedly) June 15, 2017
ME AT 19: I'm gonna travel to so many countries!
ME AT 29: I'm gonna try a new craft beer!
ME AT 39: I'm gonna try a different cat litter
— Andy H. (@AndyAsAdjective) June 20, 2017
Writing a horror screenplay. It starts off with a ringing phone. The person answers, and it's their mom saying "I have a computer question."
— Rodney Lacroix (@moooooog35) June 26, 2017
2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
— TheBabyLady (@thebabylady7) June 29, 2017
[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
"but i don't want my stuff stolen"
*covers it with towel*
"ok now it's safe"
— The Holiday Hype (@TheHyyyype) July 11, 2017
Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.
[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]
— Floyd is dead (@dafloydsta) July 13, 2017
Some kid at the pool: wanna see me do something cool?
Me: I don't even want to see my own kid do something cool
— DaddyJew (@DaddyJew) July 13, 2017
I unwrap sticks of butter right in the store and eat them like bananas
— Böb Jänke (@Bob_Janke) July 23, 2017
I can't believe Lobsterfest is already here. It'll be Toyotathon before you know it.
— Covfefe Rock🇺🇸 (@TheMichaelRock) July 26, 2017
I just wanna be rich enough to throw leftovers away after dinner instead of putting them in Tupperware and throwing them away a week later.
— AmishPornStar™ (@AmishPornStar1) August 10, 2017
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it's fun to not be able to open that drawer.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) August 15, 2017
AC/DC: Who's ready to be Thunderstruck?
ME: [from front row] IT'S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!
— FᎪᎢ ᏩᎪNᎠᎪᏞF (@sofarrsogud) August 24, 2017
5: I don't like it. It's too spicy.
Me: IT'S A PANCAKE
— Lurkin' Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) August 29, 2017
Waiter: "Would you like a side salad with that?"
Me: "Do you guys have side cake here or…?"
— TheMotherOctopus (@MotherOctopusKJ) October 10, 2017
Hey guy with hydration pack, 2 hiking sticks & North Face vest; my 5 yr old walked the same trail in Crocs carrying a naked Barbie. Relax.
— Jack Boot (@IamJackBoot) October 17, 2017
You should prolly take a pregnancy test after touching my mullet.
— Chad Read (@squirrel74wkgn) October 18, 2017
I'm at the age where I finally understand why anyone would be happy to win a new appliance package on The Price is Right.
— OneFunnyMummy (@OneFunnyMummy) November 1, 2017
*overheard from the other room
8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?
Grandma: Did you finish your dinner?
Grandma: Just one then
— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) December 17, 2017
All of these tweets made me laugh, how about you?
To read my monthly Funniest Tweets lists, click HERE.
Want to read some of the funniest tweets about parenting from a bunch of the funniest parents on Twitter? Check out The Bigger Book of Parenting Tweets, available on Amazon. Or the original, The Big Book of Parenting Tweets.